#Caturday
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They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.