[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
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I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
S M O L
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.