Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
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If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Never forget.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.