Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
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If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.