Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
You Might Also Like
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
favorite tropes as memes
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya