Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
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it must be school picture day
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
⛄️
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle