Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
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No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
prepare for carbonated trouble
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
I’m calling the cops.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
I wish all tests were things you peed on
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.