Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
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*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Try and stop me.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
“A little help here, Danny?”
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini