Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
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This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Tell me you get it…🤣
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Sing it!
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine