wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
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If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.