wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
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If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen