wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
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I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Dead sexy!!
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
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If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Not messing around
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
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“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?