Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
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I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?