Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
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The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days