Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
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Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
No way!
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Well, this certainly took a turn
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said