[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
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My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Meme Monday.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence