wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
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my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs