wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
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My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
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me: shit
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BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
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Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
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Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
me when I see my crush
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
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Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
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I got so excited I wet my plants!
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
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And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
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next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
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