wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
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My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
We need to put an American base on the sun
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist