Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
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If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
my sentiments exactly
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE