Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
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[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
lmfao
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
I just stopped by to water my horse.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”