A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
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I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Velcrow
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.