Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
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You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.