Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
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I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Can Happiness buy money?
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.