Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
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My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
looks legit
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down