(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
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Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Always 🥴
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Its a hippotatomus
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”