wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
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I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
ME (calling my horse with no name):
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late