wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
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*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]