when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
You Might Also Like
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
We’ve all been there
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
this makes me so uncomfortable
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.