WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
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Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.