WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
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In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?