WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
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Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.