wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
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*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea