WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
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If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”