WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
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*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Room with a view.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses