WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
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If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.