wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
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[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Yup….perfect score!
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy