wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
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This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.