Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
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[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
bro what is going on at twitter
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Who wants to be my Valentine?
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!