wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
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What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.