wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
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*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.