wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
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Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
True.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie