wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
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the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Nothing to do, you say?
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200