wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
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Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Cake safety first. Always.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.