wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
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Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
pep talk
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango