WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
You Might Also Like
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation