Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
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[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
me when i see my girls butt
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Kids, do not try this at home!
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
…..pretty much.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.