Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
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If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Ugh
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.