*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
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TODAY
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work