*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
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space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.