*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
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Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.